Empath narcissist relationship

Empath narcissist relationship DEFAULT

This Is How It Ends When An Empath Loves A Narcissist

1. The empath enters the relationship wanting deep, unconditional love. The empath is attracted to the narcissist, and feels their need for affection is being met even if the narcissist isn’t doing anything to develop the connection. The empath feels fulfilled and “in love” just from being around them.

2. The empath begins to believe that they have a “once in a lifetime” kind of connection with the narcissist, and the narcissist affirms it – what they have is special. This is what makes it seem impossible to just walk away.

3. The narcissist can, at times, seem to want the relationship as much as the empath does. In reality, the narcissist wants nothing but constant validation, and someone who is always willing to give it is a perfect match.

4. Over time, the empath will be made to feel incompetent. Even if not stated directly, the narcissist will imply that they have the power by saying they “don’t want to hurt” them, or by looking down on their interests, or maybe not letting them handle the day-to-day bills or anything else that’s a symbol of control. This will leave the empath feeling reliant on the narcissist, believing that they “need” them, or at least that nobody else would want them.

5. As their bond grows, the empath will find it unbearable to see the narcissist in any kind of pain. They will want nothing more than to talk to them, help them, cheer them up… do whatever it takes so they can feel better again. They subconsciously want to “fix” the narcissist, or at least change their lives.

6. What the empath does not realize is that the feeling or idea of healing their partner’s deepest, most unresolvable wounds, feels the same to them as healing their own. However, it is not the same thing.

7. Somewhere along the line, the empath begins to feel afraid to advocate for their true needs – it is more appealing to them to remain more likable (but secretly less happy).

8. The more love, care, devotion, affection and work the empath puts into making the relationship work, the more powerful the narcissist becomes. At this point, it can be difficult to see that there are any real issues in the relationship… that is, until the empath reaches their breaking point.

9. Eventually, the empath begins to adopt the traits of the narcissist. Because their emotional needs are not being met (and they’ve been confusing their partner’s emotional needs with their own) they start to seem “selfish,” or at least predominantly concerned with their own well-being. They are essentially declaring: “My feelings matter,” and the narcissist does not like this.

10. What neither party realizes at this point is that the narcissist’s needs will never actually be met (that is, until *they* wake up and choose to meet them). They will move on to other partners, other hobbies, other big business ideas and creative pursuits, travels across the world… and they’ll still be as miserable as ever.

11. The narcissist will make the empath feel “crazy” for responding the way they are. They will say they are being over-dramatic, and that their concerns are unfounded. This kind of dismissal is the most obvious way they exert power and mind-control over the empath.

12. The empath begins to blame themselves. They start to wonder if they’ll ever be worthy of love, or what it is they did that got them into such a horrible situation.

13. What the empath does not realize is that there’s nothing *wrong* with them, there’s something exceptionally *right* with them, they were just manipulated and used and lied to. They have a feeling capacity that outshines many other people’s – this isn’t a bad thing, it’s just something that must be protected.

14. Even if the empath tries to communicate authentically with the narcissist, it will be to no avail. They will be deflective and use shoddy logic, they’ll make excuses and find ways to pass the blame, if not convince the empath that it’s at least partially also their fault.

15. At this point, the empath will have to do some serious self-evaluation. They’ll be left no choice. They’ll recognize what happened in the past that led them to be so defenseless, and it will be the beginning of their transformation.

16. The empath will always identify as a “healer,” and in finding their inner strength, they will likely focus on their life’s mission of helping other people in healthy, constructive ways (perhaps through a job or calling).

17. The empath must realize that not everyone you fall in love with can be trusted. Not everyone has the same intentions they do, and not everyone thinks they way they do.

18. The empath must also realize that they were just as wounded as the narcissist was – and that the point of their relationship was a teaching opportunity, a moment for them both to wake up and see how they must heal themselves. (The empath will come around, the narcissist usually doesn’t.)

19. The empath will consider the experience a painful catalyst of their awakening.

20. The narcissist will carry on acting as though nothing’s wrong and as though nothing happened. They will deny and almost seem to “forget” about the intense, powerful connection they once had with someone, and they will go pursue it elsewhere. After a bit of time, their issues will come to a head, and they’ll have to cope with the fact that they can’t connect with themselves, let alone other people.

21. The narcissist will walk away looking for their next victim.

22. The empath will walk away wiser, stronger and more careful about who they give their time, energy, love and life too. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Sours: https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2016/05/22-things-that-happen-when-an-empath-falls-in-love-with-a-narcissist/

Pluto, the mysterious reddish-coloured ‘planet’ (yes!), is the coldest, darkest and most distant celestial body in our system. The farthest from the Sun, Pluto is very secretive and hides itself below a standard orbit.

Pluto, the God of the Underworld in classical mythology, is calm, quiet, calculating, and stays under the radar! Birth, death, transformation, the underworld and rebellion are its strong suits. What many don’t realise is that it is possible to have these traits without being a pushover.

An empath can be assertive too.

Just like Pluto, true empaths hate being in the limelight but possess a potent dose of self-esteem and self-awareness. Therefore, they don’t need your validation – you may think they do… but, they don’t.

You can tell them apart from their calm, collected and introverted nature. They are the ones to sit in the corner and observe people. Analyzing people comes naturally and easily to them, as a result they do not trust people easily.

Empaths generally have a very good and sacrificial nature. Never ones to inconvenience anyone or start any troubles, they inherently know that their good nature, will attract narcissists, psychopaths and toxic people.

Their cold faces that crack a smile once in a while, sometimes combative physiques, and quiet mannerisms do the job of keeping away lower-range narcissists, sociopaths, and bullies away for the most part. However the smarter, more discreet narcissists is who they have trouble with.

These people have as equally low self-esteem as the most toxic of people, but they are smart enough to fly under the radar, by appearing friendly. These narcissists often prefer to verbally abuse or bully the empaths as the main source of their narcissistic supply to mask their inadequacy.

Empaths with their sacrificial, and loving nature, coupled with a capacity of taking a lot of stress and not reacting to every little slight, become easy targets for the coverts.

Covert narcissists know exactly how to push an empath’s buttons, and for a long time they succeed in doing so. But eventually, the empath’s discerning mind recognizes this behaviour for what it is-passive-aggression.

This is when the empath turns into the narcissist’s narcissist. Empaths are rarely, if ever, physically confrontational. They are tactical creatures – they have the ability to soak up a lot of abuse. They laugh and brush it off until things reach a breaking point.

And then everything changes.

Empaths generally have the ability to spin things on their heads. This reaction completely shocks the toxic people and tells them who is in charge. The realization of this toxicity is known to put the empath into a state of resentment for the narcissist, quite unlike their primary characer.

The empath seeks to destroy the narcissists’ entire ego-consciousness, which gives them their delusional power, based on their extreme low self-esteem! Narcissists lack the very same empathy that the empath typifies. They associate with people, with the sole goal of draining their energy, sabotaging them, and bringing them down to their miserable level.

This low vibration state is what the empath fights against. In their plutonic state, an empath thus becomes a narcissist’s narcissist. Mirroring them, the empath becomes devoid of empathy for the narcissist, turning extremely cold and aiming to destroy their fragile egos.

Empaths undergo many traumas and transformations in their lives, a source of their abundant empathy, and possess little ego of their own. The death of the ego, is an empath’s calling card– and from that point onward, they are on a mission to nullify that, in whoever they come across.

Empaths intuitively understand the negativity of the ego. They recognise the human ego, is the cause of every single quarrel, fight, war, oppression, abuse, bullying in our world.

An empath reaction to the inappropriate behaviour or attack of toxic people, is eternal silence. The sooner they can discover who the real abuser is, the wiser they become as a human.

The majority of negativity against empaths are therefore projections of the bad things that the person inflicting the toxic behaviour did to themselves or the way they perceive themselves. Narcissists and people with some degree of narcissistic tendencies tend to, and love to, use projection so that they can play victim as when needed, despite being the aggressor.

So, empaths have already won the game of life, without really wanting to participate in the proceedings. They pave the high road and always walk it.

Not a bad way to live, is it?



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Sours: https://qrius.com/how-empaths-become-the-narcissists-narcissists/
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The Empath and the Narcissist: A Love Story?

The Empath and the Narcissist: A Love Story? by Nikki Bruno. Photograph of a butterfly painted on a broken building wall by Kristel Hayes

Are you an empath involved with a narcissist? Here are 8 steps you can take to turn your destructive relationship into a self-love story. 

It’s a classic pairing: the empath and the narcissist.

You’re a giver. Emotions permeate you easily. If your friend is filled with joy, you’re delighted, too. When your son tells you his teacher cut him down in front of the whole class, you deeply feel your son’s shame, anger, and helplessness. Upon walking into a crowded room, you can immediately sense the vibe — cheerful, subdued, threatening. You’re skilled at comforting and listening to people. You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for problems that aren’t actually yours. You are loving, intuitive, trusting, and sensitive. You avoid conflict and sacrifice yourself at the altar of harmony.

You’re an empath.

Your partner, on the other hand, lacks compassion. She feels her own emotions but is nearly impervious to the feelings of others. When you tell her that she’s hurt you or that she’s messed up, she denies it, says you’re wrong, twists the blame squarely back on you, or all three. She criticizes you about tiny issues (the way you slice avocados), medium issues (how you drive), and big issues (your body, your lovemaking, your family). In conversations, she needs to be right — she needs to win. She creates conflict and stirs up anxiety. And sometimes, when you’re super vulnerable and she’s super stressed, she becomes unremittingly cruel.

She’s a narcissist.

What drew you to each other? Why is the empath-narcissist pairing such a classic?

Let’s rewind to when you first met your partner. As we continue our story, the narcissist will be male. (For context, 6.2 percent of American women have narcissistic personality disorder, compared to 7.7 percent of American men). When you first met your partner, he was successful, charming, decisive, confident, and veryinto you. Like many other narcissists, he skillfully acted like the ideal catch, showering you with compliments, gifts, and grandiose gestures of adoration. 

In psychological lingo, you got love bombed. “This is the kind of guy I deserve!” you swooned as you grabbed him up.

Meanwhile, your partner flocked to you because he viewed you — accurately — as loving, devoted, agreeable, and primed to do his feeling for him. You were the ideal adoring fan. When he often complained about perceived wrongs done to him by the world and its inferior citizens, you empathically swooped in with understanding and compassion to heal his wounds. He grabbed you up.

So now here you both are.

At first you don’t notice the switch in him. When your partner gets a bit critical, overbearing, or mean, and you protest, he manipulates the situation to cast you as the one who messed up. He says things like “Stop being so defensive” or “I had to interrupt your phone call; you were saying it all wrong!”

And here’s the problem: You fall for the smokescreen. You’re so concerned with pleasing your partner, and so open to self-evaluation, that you find a therapist and apply yourself to fixing the ‘flaws’ he’s convinced you are yours. Bit by bit, you’re helping him mold you.

While you’re trying to fix yourself, you’re also convinced you can fix him. You now know he has flaws, but everyone has flaws, right?

So you double down on your love, support, loyalty, forgiveness, and compassion. Over time, you do all the self-improvement and compromising needed to keep the relationship (that is, him) happy.

But then you start noticing the switch in him. Your intuition is planting a giant red flag at your feet. You try to ignore it, but your partner’s Jekyll-and-Hyde swings are getting faster and more extreme. Knock, knock! Something isn’t right here! Your gut reports multiple times per month . . . then per week . . . then per day. 

You’re in a battle with the essence of who you are. You’re giving your power away — and he’s taking it. Your personal boundaries have gone from firm to negotiable to nonexistent. You are coming undone.

Very likely, you’ve been silent to the outside world about your partner’s behavior and your growing anxiety and misery in what has become an abusive dynamic. She (changing genders again) puts you down all the time now, sometimes scathingly. These days, your heart races with dread when you hear her footsteps approach the front door of your home. You’re racked with self-doubt, loneliness, confusion, and shame. You wonder…

What in the world has happened to me… and why am I hiding it?

And then, somehow, you make a switch. You have an epiphany. It might come from a book you read, an especially unacceptable act from your partner, the intervention of a close friend, or insights arising from the rock-bottom surrender of depression. 

Now that you realize that you’ve been duped, a new flavor of shame hits: How could I not have seen this? How could I have defended, trusted, and loved this person? Why did I keep her abusive behavior all to myself and let everyone believe everything was perfect? Now no one will believe me!

You know it is time to leave, but how will you do it?

The logistics of your exit will depend on how entangled you and your partner are. Leaving becomes more complicated with jointly-owned property, marriage, children, and other commitments. But the following suggestions apply to anyone who has decided to end a relationship with a narcissist. 

  1. Get educated — Read, watch, and listen to reliable sources about narcissism. Most importantly, you’ll gain validation of what has happened in your relationship. Research will also prepare you for your partner’s reaction to your departure. Her reaction might be anticlimactic and lackluster. But more likely, she’ll dip into her manipulative tool belt and resist you strongly via renewed love bombing, threats, or both.
  2. Get support — Get yourself into therapy if you haven’t already; you’ve got major healing to do. Surround yourself with people who love you, who believe what you’ve told them about your partner, and who will stand by you no matter what. Figure out what you need, and then please ask for it (not an empath’s strong point). Ask your closest supporters to check in with you regularly. Have them make phone calls on your behalf if it’s tough for you to do so at home. If you and your partner are married, make a list of legal questions, find a good family law attorney and/or mediator, and start asking your questions. It’s crucial for your supporters, particularly the professionals you hire, to have a strong understanding of narcissism. 
  3. Get certain— You need be 100 percent confident in your decision to end your relationship. If you say to yourself, “I’ll try to leave her” or “We’ll just take a break” or “We’ll gradually downshift to friendship,” you will probably fail. Suggestions 1 and 2 will help you get certain.
  4. Get your ducks in a row — Prepare for your departure, whatever that looks like. This step is highly variable depending on your situation. Some ducks to line up are a place to live, a plan for child care, a new bank account with funds in it, and even more support from your loved ones.
  5. Get out — Make your exit as low-drama as possible. Your partner might attempt her own theatrics, but your objective is to take action and leave, not to have a conversation.
  6. Get silent — It’s become an ironclad rule among experts that the best way to move on from a narcissist is to go no-contact. This means zero interaction — no meet-ups, no phone calls, no messaging. If you must interact, put it in writing and follow the rules of BIFF communication to be brief, informative, friendly, and firm.
  7. Get your self back — Stick with therapy for at least six months so that you can process an experience that was (at best) painful or (at worst) traumatic. Continue to surround yourself only with close friends and supporters. The emotional, social, and financial fall-out of a break-up like this can be huge, so harness all of your empathic skills — compassion, care, love, gentleness, kindness, sensitivity — and direct them at yourself. Feel your mojo starting to flow in your veins again. Celebrate your courage. Seek joy and laughter.
  8. Get hooked up with your narcissist radar — Work hard to develop your narcissist-detection skills to avoid repeating history (see below).

How to Identify a Narcissist

  • Lack of empathy — unable to relate to other people’s feelings; merciless.
  • Entitlement — acts as if rules don’t apply to them; expect others to give them special treatment; often complains about subpar customer service and incompetence.
  • Selfishness — overly focused on their own needs; willing and able to manipulate and hurt others if it serves their ends.
  • Projection — attributes their own views, feelings, or perspectives onto other people.
  • Self-importance and arrogance — strongly believes in their own incredibleness, whether they’ve succeeded at their goals or not; likely to brag and to inflate their accomplishments in a condescending way.
  • Tendency to take risks.
  • Need for validation and attention.
  • Strong tendency to judge, criticize, and blame others.
  • Low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority — they cope with hidden insecurity and self-hatred by becoming grandiose and believing they’re superior.

General Facts About Narcissism:

  • Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — the most extreme, clinical form of narcissism — does not have a cure, although long-term treatment can ease symptoms. The upshot here is that extreme narcissists are highly unlikely to change.
  • NPD is associated with substance abuse, mood and anxiety disorders, aggression, and gastrointestinal conditions.
  • Experts these days are hotly debating whether or not narcissism is on the rise in the United States.
  • Narcissism exists on a spectrum. It’s healthy and normal to be confident and to bask in the attention of others, but narcissistic tendencies become problematic when they interfere with close relationships and daily functioning, or when they involve abuse and violence.
  • Narcissistic abuse is one of the most difficult types of abuse to detect. Bree Bonchay, LCSW, defines narcissistic abuse as “the insidious, gradual, and intentional erosion of a person’s sense of self-worth. It can involve patterns of dominance, manipulation, intimidation, emotional coercion, withholding, dishonesty, extreme selfishness, guilt mongering, rejection, stonewalling, gaslighting, financial abuse, extreme jealousy, and possessiveness. A partner who never calls you a derogatory name and tells you he loves you every single day can be a narcissistic abuser.”

This is ultimately a story of self-love. It’s a narrative of reclamation, faith, and triumph. While you, as an empath, may be vulnerable to the manipulation of a narcissist, your Achilles heel is also your superpower. The key is to honor your finely honed, Universe-given intuition. Give yourself permission to tune back in to your inner voice, trust it, follow it, and implement its feedback. Let your soul tell the truth.


You may also enjoy reading Recovering from Emotional Abuse & Learned Toxic Behaviors by Dr. Lisa Cooney

Sours: https://bestselfmedia.com/the-empath-and-the-narcissist/

Narcissism and Co-dependence (Empathic/"Empath" Tendencies)

There has been a rise in the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in recent years, which consequently has resulted in an alarming rate of relationships (romantic, professional, etc.) becoming established by, and organized within, a pairing framework in which a co-dependent is bonded with a narcissist.

Alarmingly, narcissistic personality tendencies are manifesting as early as late childhood/early adolescence.  If these tendencies are not addressed therapeutically at this early point in the lifespan, they hold the potential to intensify and persist into adulthood. 

Narcissistic characteristics and relational strategies are highly toxic and traumatizing.  Narcissists are unconsciously and consciously motivated to manipulate and exploit the person with whom they are involved. 

Manipulation strategies utilized may run the gamut in severity from subtly influencing and/or “using” the other, to humiliating/shaming the other, to entirely invading the other (“parasitically”) to the point of subjugation.  As cults are inherently narcissistic, narcissistic individuals establish “cultish” dynamics in their interpersonal and professional relationships.

Ironically, these dynamics are often reinforced by the situational demands in which narcissists embed themselves. For example, many corporations capitalize on the narcissist’s capacity to coerce employees in the workplace, an ability that is often misconstrued as authentic leadership.    

Corresponding to a rise in the prevalence of narcissism, there has been a proliferation of co-dependent and “empath/empathic” conditions. Co-dependence refers to a personality style developed over time in which an individual, often unconsciously, achieves well-honed skills in establishing relationships and maintaining attachments by identifying and meeting the needs of the other, often at the expense of one’s own personal needs, desires, and preferences. 

In my online seminar “The Five Phases of a Relationship with a Narcissist” from The Relationship Video Series, I present the interrelated psychological origins and developmental pathways of narcissism and co-dependence.  Defensive strategies usually first employed in early childhood, narcissism and co-dependence are actually two sides of the same coin. 

In response to ongoing disappointments children experience with caregivers who, of course, have their own limitations, a child closely monitors and reads the caregiver, and then behaves in ways that optimize getting what he/she wants from the caregiver. This is the organizing motive of a co-dependent personality style, i.e., being intensively attuned to interpersonal cues in order to secure the approval of the other.  It is a defensive mechanism that prevents abandonment and guarantees positive appraisal. 

In contrast to co-dependence, another defensive option is for the child to give up entirely on getting his/her needs from the caregiver, thereby avoiding any chance of being disappointed again or feeling the shame of his/her own dependency.  In this, the narcissistic style, a personality is organized that is motivated primarily to protect oneself against from ever being vulnerable again. Thus, others are not and cannot be loved or desired by the narcissist; rather, others can only be exploited and parasitically destroyed in order for the narcissist to avoid feeling threatened. 

The course of psychotherapy for narcissistic and co-dependent conditions can be challenging but ultimately quite productive.  Often, the patient comes to recognize long-held emotional injuries and failures of attunement experienced in significant relationships; these injuries tend to leave the patient with intolerable feelings of shame and insecurity that he or she has been attempting to overcome, and defend against, for years. 

As these pivotal experiences of rejection and mis-attunement are explored in the therapeutic relationship, and the client’s subjective thoughts and feelings are affirmed, new relational and self-protective strategies can evolve that no longer rely on narcissistic and/or co-dependent strategies.  

Sours: https://jamestobinphd.com/narcissism-and-co-dependence-empathic-empath-tendencies/

Relationship empath narcissist

Empaths and narcissists make a 'toxic' partnership — here's why they're attracted to each other

  • Empaths and narcissists are often drawn to each other.
  • This is because empaths have a lot of compassion and understanding to give, while narcissists thrive on someone worshipping them.
  • But this isn't a good match, because empaths tend to forgive everything the narcissist does.
  • This results in them being completely used and degraded, while the narcissist creates more and more chaos.


Opposites attract — or so we are told. While this rule has potential to broaden your horizons, people who are poles apart might be drawn together for all the wrong reasons.

Narcissists, for example, are attracted to people they will get the greatest use from. Often, this means they pursue and target empaths.

Empaths are the opposite of narcissists. While people with narcissistic personality disorder have no empathy, and thrive on the need for admiration, empaths are highly sensitive and in tune with other people's emotions.

Empaths are "emotional sponges," who can absorb feelings from other people very easily. This makes them them very attractive to narcissists, because they see someone who will fulfill their every need in a selfless way.

A 'toxic' attraction destined for disaster

Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of "The Empath's Survival Guide," told Business Insider that this is a toxic attraction which is destined for disaster.

"What narcissists see in empaths is a giving, loving person who is going to try and be devoted to you and love you and listen to you," she said. "But unfortunately empaths are attracted to narcissists, because at first this is about a false self. Narcissists present a false self, where they can seem charming and intelligent, and even giving, until you don't do things their way, and then they get cold, withholding and punishing."

When a narcissist is trying to hook someone in, they will be loving and attentive, but their mask soon starts to slip. At the beginning they only see the good qualities, and believe the relationship will make them look good. This doesn't last because narcissists are full of contempt, and they see most people as below them. Once they start to notice their partner's flaws, they no longer idealise them, and they start to blame them for not being perfect.

It can sometimes take a while for the true colours to show, Orloff said, so she tells her clients to never fall in love with a narcissist. But this goes against an empath's instincts, as they believe they can fix people and heal anything with compassion.

"If only they just listened more, if only they could give more," said Orloff. "That is just not the case with a narcissist. It's so hard for many empaths to believe that somebody just doesn't have empathy, and that they can't heal the other person with their love."

Narcissists love drama and chaos

Shannon Thomas, a therapist and author of the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse," told Business Insider that empaths work hard for harmony, whereas narcissists are looking to do the opposite. They enjoy chaos, and like to know they can pull people's strings.

Narcissists manipulate empaths by stringing them along with intermittent hope. They will integrate compliments and kindness into their behaviour, making their victim believe that if they behave in the correct manner, they will get the loving person back who they once knew.

"Empathetic people have the tendency to understand that we're all human, we all have defects, and they're willing to be patient with someone else's personal growth," Thomas said. "Empathetic people will be very long suffering if a narcissist says 'I really want to change, I know I'm not perfect.' They have these moments where they sort of admit fault, but they never actually follow through or believe it."

This is simply a tactic narcissists use to reel their partner back in. With empaths, it is very effective, because they want to support their partner and help them grow. Ultimately, they are just being exploited further.

The empath can form a trauma bond

The push and pull nature of the narcissistic relationship can generate a trauma bond between the victim and the abuser, where it can feel almost impossible to leave the relationship, no matter how much damage it is doing.

"With empathy comes the ability and willingness to look at ourselves and look at our own faults, and that gets taken advantage of while the trauma bond is happening," Thomas said. "It becomes a cycle for an empath who has been trauma bonded because they start looking at themselves, and what do they need to do to change, and what do they need to do different, and what their character flaws are. It's the perfect set up, unfortunately."

It can be difficult to comprehend the fact your are in a narcissistic relationship at first, but there are many red flags you can look out for as you get to know each other better. Thomas said to keep yourself safe from narcissistic abuse, you should understand we are responsible for our own personal growth, and other people are responsible for theirs.

"When you meet people or are in relationships with them, you have to be very careful that you're not doing their work, or wanting their growth more than they do," she said. "You have to see what they actually do to get better."

Also, realise that boundaries are healthy for all relationships. For empaths, boundaries can feel harsh, but once they are aware of the strength of saying "no," they can protect themselves from people who are looking to take advantage of them.

"Empaths don't have to become hard or hard-hearted to be able to be healthy," Thomas said. "It's important to recognise that not everybody needs to be in our lives. We're going to come across people who we realise might not be healthy for us, and you have to be okay with letting them go."

Sours: https://www.businessinsider.com/why-empaths-and-narcissists-are-attracted-to-each-other-2018-1
Signs Of A Narcissist 👿Pretending To Be An Empath😇! #spiritualwarfare #covertnarcissist

The Parasitic Relationship Between a Narcissist and an Empath

The dance between the narcissist and the empath resembles a parasitic relationship. Motivated by the desire to seek love and to heal the wounded narcissist, the empath becomes the perfect host to the parasitic narcissist.


Being preoccupied with emotionally feeding off of others to supply his/her egotistical needs, the narcissist uses tactics of manipulation and control in the relationship. Often times, the narcissist remains in power and the empath feels victimized and powerless. Once the parasite has used up all the resources from the host, it moves on to a new host.

Yet, the empath and narcissist dyad exists within a dialectic, each needing the other for the dysfunctional relationship to remain intact. Both partners are equally responsible for the imbalance created. While an empath may feel powerless in the relationship, it is important to keep in mind that a narcissist cannot exist within the relationship without the engagement of the well-intentioned empath. If an empath sets boundaries and walks away, refusing to internalize the projected feelings of the narcissist (i.e., the narcissist projecting their own worthlessness onto the empath), then the abusive dynamic would cease to exist.


What is a narcissist?

The term, “narcissist” is thrown around quite often, and can be misused. One of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is an individual who views others as objects, rather than as people. People are seen as sources that supply the narcissist with attention, admiration, and idealization to maintain a concealed fragile sense of self. Narcissism exists on a continuum, with hallmarks of the disorder including, but not limited to, a lack of empathy, inflated sense of self-importance, sense of entitlement, and a need for admiration. Such characteristics start in early adulthood and occur in a range of situations. Narcissists have difficulty feeling their pain, so they project their feelings onto their partner. For instance, instead of owning their own feelings of worthlessness and shame, they treat their partners in such a way that the partners feel worthless and ashamed.

Due to their inability to relate to others as more than mere objects, narcissists lack the ability to love their partner. When seeing that their partner has withdrawn their love and care, the narcissist will know how to manipulatively regain the love of the empath by providing what feels like authentic love and connection. It can be confusing for an empath, who feels heightened levels of bonding and “love” from the narcissist at times. The narcissist acts like a slot machine. Every once in a while, the slot machine will yield out treasures, but the majority of the time the empath is left deprived of love. Often times, empaths proclaim that their partner can either be “really amazing or just awful.” This stark contrast in character leaves the empath always longing for the amazing part of their partner to shine forth.


What is an empath?

Empaths are individuals who are highly sensitive and are able to feel the emotional needs of others, and often put the needs of others before their own. Their acute sensitivity allows them to truly feel, and even absorb, another’s pain. They are driven by a need to help and heal others. Empaths’ hyper awareness of their partner’s feelings often leads them to hold their partner’s feelings, allowing their narcissistic partner to not have to feel the painful emotions themselves.


Why is there such a strong attraction between a narcissist and an empath?

The empath is hoping to be truly seen and loved by the narcissist. In fact, their sense of worth is tied to being loved by their narcissistic partner. An unconscious thought process is taking place, whereby the empath believes that, if they can overcome the challenge of getting the narcissist to love them, then their worth will be validated. In other words, if they can make the person who is incapable of love, love them, then they are truly worthy of love. They try to heal the wounded narcissist, hoping that once healed, they in turn will provide the empath with the love and validation they so desperately desire.

Underlying their unconscious desire to seek love from the unloving narcissist is an acting out of a childhood relationship dynamic where they have felt unlovable or rejected by a primary caregiver. The empath was unable to receive the unconditional love that every child needs. This could have occurred as a result of having a narcissistic parent(s), or having parent(s) who were unavailable to their emotional needs (i.e., need to be noticed, need to be acknowledged for one’s strengths, need to be accepted and loved). Now in their adulthood, the empath is trying to seek validation and feel the worth they did not feel as a child. But now the stakes are higher. Receiving love from just anyone would not repair their low self-worth. In their mind, it is only by turning the unloving narcissist into the loving and accepting “parent” can their self-worth be restored.

Furthermore, the empath, due to early misattunement and/or emotional unavailability from the primary attachment figure, has learned to associate love with pain. Therefore, they become tolerant of being mistreated by their narcissistic partner. The empath pours all of his/her energy into the relationship with the narcissist, often tolerating high levels of mistreatment, hoping they can receive the love they desperately want and need. The empath is barking up the wrong tree! Trying to remake a narcissist into an emotionally available and loving partner is not possible. The narcissist needs to decide to change. As long as the empath is holding the narcissist’s disavowed feelings, the narcissist will not need to feel their own feelings. Without feeling the depth of their own feelings, they cannot change. Instead of changing, the narcissist will most likely find another empath to use for his/her survival.

Empaths thrive on helping people and giving to others, but problems arise when the empath ignores his/her own needs in the process. Often, empaths can be more aware of the feelings of others and what is going on in their environment, than they are of their own internal state. This pattern leads to the suppression of painful feelings, and a lack of awareness about how to protect themselves from others. The more disconnected the empath is from his/her own feelings, the more likely it is that s/he will pour all of their love and attention into the relationship and try to fix his/her partner. The more love and care the empath provides in the relationship, the more controlling and powerful the narcissist will become, intensifying the abusive dynamic. This leads to a vicious cycle of the demoralization of the empath by the narcissist, furthering the sense of victimhood the empath already feels. In this downward spiral, the empath is not only blamed for the dysfunction of the relationship by the narcissist, but s/he also turns his/her anger inward and blames him/herself.

An empath has a choice-- to maintain the status quo and remain in the abusive dynamic with the narcissist, or to take responsibility for their contribution to the dysfunctional relationship and to focus all the attention and focus they placed on “fixing” the narcissist on healing their own inner wounds.


In order for an empath to no longer be available for invasion by a narcissist, s/he has to fully inhabit him/herself.

As Carl Jung states, “one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” The empath must create a relationship with the pain within him/herself that s/he has not embraced. It is only through making the hidden, and previously ignored pain within her conscious that she can process her own wounds and begin the healing process.


Although the empath can clearly see that the narcissist is wounded, they often have difficulty connecting to their own darkness. An empath may even be dismissive of his/her psychic pain, minimizing his/her feelings and wanting to overlook the impact of early traumatic experiences in his/her life. Coming from an abusive dynamic with a narcissist, empaths have probably learned to blame themselves incessantly, thereby misdirecting their anger. The first stages of healing require that the empath understand their role in the relationship with the narcissist, and aim to seek self-awareness. From a place of self-compassion, asking the following questions can help an empath move away from victimhood into a stance of self-exploration and healing:

  • What emotional void was I trying to fill in my relationship?
  • How was I trying to gain love and approval from my emotionally unavailable partner?
  • Which feelings within myself do I push away?
  • Where do the emotions reside in my body?
  • Where do my feelings of rejection/fear of abandonment/unworthiness stem from?
  • How were my emotional needs not met in childhood?

Along with exploring their emotions, the empath can develop their sense of self, or their individuality. Perhaps the abusive relationship with a narcissist preoccupied them and left no space for the empath to explore their desires, their strength, and their abilities. Empaths have the potential to flourish and deeply transform from their dysfunctional relationship with a narcissist. As beautifully stated by Kim Saeed,


“When the empath and narcissist enter into a relationship together, it creates a magnetic, yet dysfunctional union because the empath gives to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. Profoundly disoriented, the empath is often destroyed by the relationship. This experience is painful and overwhelming but ultimately, the empath undergoes a soul awakening. The narcissist remains the same.”

Although breaking away from a narcissist will bring tremendous pain and reveal deep longings; one day the empath will look back and question how s/he ever tolerated being in a relationship with a narcissist. As empath inhabit themselves and strengthen their sense of self, a sense of healthy boundaries will develop. This emerging sense of self will be protective of their old self, placing strong boundaries that will prevent future parasitic relationships with narcissists.


For more information about Rachel Negar Partiali, PhD, please click on her image above.

Understanding the dynamic between a narcissist and an empath and why such a relationship exists is the first step in freeing yourself from this parasitic dynamic.

https://res.cloudinary.com/dywkbcfp5/image/upload/w_1024/c_fill,g_auto,f_auto/v1553468438/irvoa0mxns8rbnbtmjqt.jpg

The Parasitic Relationship Between a Narcissist and an Empath

The Parasitic Relationship Between a Narcissist and an Empath

the-parasitic-relationship-between-a-narcissist-and-an-empath-by-r-partiali


An experienced, empathic, and relatable clinical psychologist working with adults, teenagers, and couples. www.drpartiali.com

Dr Rachel Partiali

Psychologist

Los Angeles, United States

Understanding the dynamic between a narcissist and an empath and why such a relationship exists is the first step in freeing yourself from this parasitic dynamic.


The dance between the narcissist and the empath resembles a parasitic relationship. Motivated by the desire to seek love and to heal the wounded narcissist, the empath becomes the perfect host to the parasitic narcissist.


Being preoccupied with emotionally feeding off of others to supply his/her egotistical needs, the narcissist uses tactics of manipulation and control in the relationship. Often times, the narcissist remains in power and the empath feels victimized and powerless. Once the parasite has used up all the resources from the host, it moves on to a new host.

Yet, the empath and narcissist dyad exists within a dialectic, each needing the other for the dysfunctional relationship to remain intact. Both partners are equally responsible for the imbalance created. While an empath may feel powerless in the relationship, it is important to keep in mind that a narcissist cannot exist within the relationship without the engagement of the well-intentioned empath. If an empath sets boundaries and walks away, refusing to internalize the projected feelings of the narcissist (i.e., the narcissist projecting their own worthlessness onto the empath), then the abusive dynamic would cease to exist.


What is a narcissist?

The term, “narcissist” is thrown around quite often, and can be misused. One of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is an individual who views others as objects, rather than as people. People are seen as sources that supply the narcissist with attention, admiration, and idealization to maintain a concealed fragile sense of self. Narcissism exists on a continuum, with hallmarks of the disorder including, but not limited to, a lack of empathy, inflated sense of self-importance, sense of entitlement, and a need for admiration. Such characteristics start in early adulthood and occur in a range of situations. Narcissists have difficulty feeling their pain, so they project their feelings onto their partner. For instance, instead of owning their own feelings of worthlessness and shame, they treat their partners in such a way that the partners feel worthless and ashamed.

Due to their inability to relate to others as more than mere objects, narcissists lack the ability to love their partner. When seeing that their partner has withdrawn their love and care, the narcissist will know how to manipulatively regain the love of the empath by providing what feels like authentic love and connection. It can be confusing for an empath, who feels heightened levels of bonding and “love” from the narcissist at times. The narcissist acts like a slot machine. Every once in a while, the slot machine will yield out treasures, but the majority of the time the empath is left deprived of love. Often times, empaths proclaim that their partner can either be “really amazing or just awful.” This stark contrast in character leaves the empath always longing for the amazing part of their partner to shine forth.


What is an empath?

Empaths are individuals who are highly sensitive and are able to feel the emotional needs of others, and often put the needs of others before their own. Their acute sensitivity allows them to truly feel, and even absorb, another’s pain. They are driven by a need to help and heal others. Empaths’ hyper awareness of their partner’s feelings often leads them to hold their partner’s feelings, allowing their narcissistic partner to not have to feel the painful emotions themselves.


Why is there such a strong attraction between a narcissist and an empath?

The empath is hoping to be truly seen and loved by the narcissist. In fact, their sense of worth is tied to being loved by their narcissistic partner. An unconscious thought process is taking place, whereby the empath believes that, if they can overcome the challenge of getting the narcissist to love them, then their worth will be validated. In other words, if they can make the person who is incapable of love, love them, then they are truly worthy of love. They try to heal the wounded narcissist, hoping that once healed, they in turn will provide the empath with the love and validation they so desperately desire.

Underlying their unconscious desire to seek love from the unloving narcissist is an acting out of a childhood relationship dynamic where they have felt unlovable or rejected by a primary caregiver. The empath was unable to receive the unconditional love that every child needs. This could have occurred as a result of having a narcissistic parent(s), or having parent(s) who were unavailable to their emotional needs (i.e., need to be noticed, need to be acknowledged for one’s strengths, need to be accepted and loved). Now in their adulthood, the empath is trying to seek validation and feel the worth they did not feel as a child. But now the stakes are higher. Receiving love from just anyone would not repair their low self-worth. In their mind, it is only by turning the unloving narcissist into the loving and accepting “parent” can their self-worth be restored.

Furthermore, the empath, due to early misattunement and/or emotional unavailability from the primary attachment figure, has learned to associate love with pain. Therefore, they become tolerant of being mistreated by their narcissistic partner. The empath pours all of his/her energy into the relationship with the narcissist, often tolerating high levels of mistreatment, hoping they can receive the love they desperately want and need. The empath is barking up the wrong tree! Trying to remake a narcissist into an emotionally available and loving partner is not possible. The narcissist needs to decide to change. As long as the empath is holding the narcissist’s disavowed feelings, the narcissist will not need to feel their own feelings. Without feeling the depth of their own feelings, they cannot change. Instead of changing, the narcissist will most likely find another empath to use for his/her survival.

Empaths thrive on helping people and giving to others, but problems arise when the empath ignores his/her own needs in the process. Often, empaths can be more aware of the feelings of others and what is going on in their environment, than they are of their own internal state. This pattern leads to the suppression of painful feelings, and a lack of awareness about how to protect themselves from others. The more disconnected the empath is from his/her own feelings, the more likely it is that s/he will pour all of their love and attention into the relationship and try to fix his/her partner. The more love and care the empath provides in the relationship, the more controlling and powerful the narcissist will become, intensifying the abusive dynamic. This leads to a vicious cycle of the demoralization of the empath by the narcissist, furthering the sense of victimhood the empath already feels. In this downward spiral, the empath is not only blamed for the dysfunction of the relationship by the narcissist, but s/he also turns his/her anger inward and blames him/herself.

An empath has a choice-- to maintain the status quo and remain in the abusive dynamic with the narcissist, or to take responsibility for their contribution to the dysfunctional relationship and to focus all the attention and focus they placed on “fixing” the narcissist on healing their own inner wounds.


In order for an empath to no longer be available for invasion by a narcissist, s/he has to fully inhabit him/herself.

As Carl Jung states, “one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” The empath must create a relationship with the pain within him/herself that s/he has not embraced. It is only through making the hidden, and previously ignored pain within her conscious that she can process her own wounds and begin the healing process.


Although the empath can clearly see that the narcissist is wounded, they often have difficulty connecting to their own darkness. An empath may even be dismissive of his/her psychic pain, minimizing his/her feelings and wanting to overlook the impact of early traumatic experiences in his/her life. Coming from an abusive dynamic with a narcissist, empaths have probably learned to blame themselves incessantly, thereby misdirecting their anger. The first stages of healing require that the empath understand their role in the relationship with the narcissist, and aim to seek self-awareness. From a place of self-compassion, asking the following questions can help an empath move away from victimhood into a stance of self-exploration and healing:

  • What emotional void was I trying to fill in my relationship?
  • How was I trying to gain love and approval from my emotionally unavailable partner?
  • Which feelings within myself do I push away?
  • Where do the emotions reside in my body?
  • Where do my feelings of rejection/fear of abandonment/unworthiness stem from?
  • How were my emotional needs not met in childhood?

Along with exploring their emotions, the empath can develop their sense of self, or their individuality. Perhaps the abusive relationship with a narcissist preoccupied them and left no space for the empath to explore their desires, their strength, and their abilities. Empaths have the potential to flourish and deeply transform from their dysfunctional relationship with a narcissist. As beautifully stated by Kim Saeed,


“When the empath and narcissist enter into a relationship together, it creates a magnetic, yet dysfunctional union because the empath gives to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. Profoundly disoriented, the empath is often destroyed by the relationship. This experience is painful and overwhelming but ultimately, the empath undergoes a soul awakening. The narcissist remains the same.”

Although breaking away from a narcissist will bring tremendous pain and reveal deep longings; one day the empath will look back and question how s/he ever tolerated being in a relationship with a narcissist. As empath inhabit themselves and strengthen their sense of self, a sense of healthy boundaries will develop. This emerging sense of self will be protective of their old self, placing strong boundaries that will prevent future parasitic relationships with narcissists.


For more information about Rachel Negar Partiali, PhD, please click on her image above.





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Sours: https://www.therapyroute.com/article/the-parasitic-relationship-between-a-narcissist-and-an-empath-by-r-partiali

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Empaths and Narcissists: Are You Hooked?

Last week was an absolute whirlwind for me.

Some people left my life; others arrived into it. 
Some doors closed; others opened into new opportunities.  

I’m still adjusting to all the transitions.

In times of great change like this, I also often find myself re-visiting my sense of purpose. What is this all about, really? Where am I investing my time and energy and how is that going?

As I reflect on these questions, I realize that during quite a few of our community calls last week, questions about trauma bonds, narcissism, and codependency kept arising. 

I hear you.  

What happens when a deeply empathic person is drawn into a relationship with a more narcissistically organized person?

It’s a shortcut to hell, as a friend of mine recently put it.  

These dynamics are exceedingly painful and confusing for anyone, but even more so for those of us who are committed to nonviolent living and dropping enemy images. We feel averse to the dehumanizing use of diagnoses and want to operate out of a profound belief in the goodness of human beings. 

The problem is that when we operate out of the naive belief that empathy and compassion can heal anything and everything, we may stay in life-depleting relational dynamics for far too long while believing that we are the problem.  

And, if you are truly trying to connect with someone who has a hefty dose of narcissism, they will be more than happy to affirm your (false) perception that you’re the problem and that you’re to blame for the painful dynamics you’re fielding. 

If you’ve been studying nonviolence and have developed an allergy to diagnoses and labels, then try to view “narcissism” as a deeply ingrained, unconscious trauma response and set of adaptations and strategies that some people developed in an attempt to survive their childhoods and to keep their sense of self intact.

However, these strategies have very deep, unconscious, and entrenched roots in the psyche of the person, and they’re very difficult for a person to either see or change in themselves. 

Empathy will not be enough. 

While empathy is necessary, it is simply not sufficient for the deeper changes needed. 

For every empathic move, you will also need a boundary-setting move. For every moment of connection, you will also field what we call an “attack on linking,” which is an unconscious pushing of you away. They send mixed messages (without realizing it) and then blame you for misunderstanding them.  

It’s like being in relationship with an infant. You begin to orient yourself around their needs at all times. And, the pull for empaths is that empaths actually enjoy nurturing infants and being there for others; it’s intrinsically satisfying for emotionally nurturing people to have someone to nurture.  

But here’s the problem:

Remember that infants grow up. They can take in the nurturing and use it to develop through their next developmental stages.

Narcissistically-organized adults, however, did not get those early needs met and had to disavow their vulnerability and disconnect from deeply painful feelings in order to survive. They learned to live with a profound underlying internal disconnection and shut-down, and now they use their intellect, cognitive empathy, and power and control dynamics in their relationships to try to manage and cope.

They sound good, they look good, but when it comes to intimacy and vulnerability, they just don’t feel good.  

So how do empaths get trapped in these dynamics? What is our work to do? Why does it get so confusing? How do we get out of it? 

Sometimes I tell myself that the narcissists in my life are here to help me know who I really am.  

1. Stop confusing control with love.  

Empaths who were adultified too early in life are particularly susceptible to some of the insidious power and control dynamics that intensify in these relationships. If you had a need to be overly responsible for others’ feelings and needs in your own family of origin, you may actually find it relieving to have someone else make decisions for you, take control of things, be responsible for things – in the early stages of the relationship. Narcissists seek out control and power as they try to find security, significance, and safety in their relationships. Any place where you have your own empowerment work to do, you will have a vulnerability to them. They will hook you in all the places where you may still be feeling disempowered, insecure, or needy yourself.  

2. When you feel “bad,” it may be data about the relationship, not about your personal issues. 

Empathic people often have a high degree of self-awareness and self-responsibility. We are quick to look at our own part in a dynamic, ready to heal ourselves as we go. So when we feel unhappy in a relationship, we tend to ask ourselves what is “ours” and focus on what we can change. However, when you’re in the reality field of someone with narcissism, those feelings are actually data about the relational field, not about you. If you’re in a relationship and feeling increasingly insecure, lonely, anxious, hypervigilant, angry, and distressed, it may be about them, not you.  

3. Pay attention to the function of the communication, not only the content.

Everything that a narcissistic tells you is your fault will have a grain of truth in it. Don’t get confused. For everything they accuse you of, you can probably find an instance or example of it in yourself. Healthy, whole people are made up of both “good” and “bad” parts – that’s normal.  

Do you sometimes get critical? Of course, we all do.  
Do you sometimes speak unskillfully? Yes, we all do.  
Do you sometimes get fed up with things? Yes, of course, we all do. 

And, in a healthy relationship people talk about their “stuff,” love each other through it, and use it to build bridges and increase their sense of shared humanity with each other. These even become points of playful affection and warm humor as we love each other through our imperfections.  

Narcissists however will use instances of you being a normal human against you. They dismiss and devalue anything that isn’t up to their idealized image and standards, and they will try to help you improve yourself. Don’t look at the content of what they tell you about yourself (it will likely be true and based on something). Look instead at when and how they bring it up and how they use it against you in the relationship. Look at the function of the accusation, not the content of it. 

I realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg on the subject.

I haven’t even started talking about trauma bonds, reactive abuse, baiting, narcissistic supply, entitlement, grandiosity, gaslighting, projection, love bombing, being a grey rock, intimacy avoidance, the hall of mirrors, and more.

So let me just say this:
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, get help. 
Focus on your own growth, development, and well-being.
Ground yourself in your own goodness.
Remember who you really are. 

You may feel a pull to understand them. That’s part of the dynamic (the focus on them). Pull your energy back and start asking yourself these questions: 

  • Why am I pulled into this and what parts of me need healing? 

  • What parts of me are settling for this? 

  • What parts of me feel like I deserve this?  

  • Where am I feeling afraid to set boundaries and what will support me in doing that more?  

And, I’d love to hear from you. Where do you get hooked or trapped in these patterns? What feels particularly confusing to you? Leave a comment below.

Sours: https://www.yvetteerasmus.com/blog/empaths-and-narcissists


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