Real funny short jokes

Real funny short jokes DEFAULT

The 40 Funniest Short Jokes: These Are Too Clever!

One of the best things about short jokes is that it proves that well executed humor doesn't have to be long or complicated in order to be funny. There are plenty of ways to make people laugh using only a handful of words — even if the humor lies in the double meaning and word play, and may not be immediately obvious the first time you hear the joke. Want to up your joke game? Looking to make your friends laugh with a statement that could fill a tweet (and still leave you plenty of characters)? Check out these hilarious short jokes! 

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1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

4. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

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5. I hate Russian full of themselves.

distractifyjokeimgs russiandolls

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6. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

7. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

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8. What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

9. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

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10. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

distractifyjokeimgs fishtank

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11. "This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."

12. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

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13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

14. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

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15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

distractifyjokeimgs parrotcarrot

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16. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

17. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh." The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

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19. What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.

20. What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.

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distractifyjokeimgs Labrador

21. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? Whether they say 'yes' or 'no': K.

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22. What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "damn" and a skydiver goes "damn" *whack*.

23. A baby seal walks into a club.

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24. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

25. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

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26. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you up.

27. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

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28. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

29. There's no "I" in Denial.

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30. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

31. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

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32. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

33. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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34. Two penguins walk into a bar... which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.

35. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets... then it hit me.

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36. Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

37. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

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38. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...

39. I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

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40. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

41. "I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.


77 Great Clean Jokes for Funny People Who Don’t Swear

Good clean jokes — jokes that are genuinely funny but perfectly appropriate — are hard to come by. R-rated humor is easy, but making people laugh without invoking adult-only language is a real, rare talent that can elicit the funniest material. Consider it playing by the Jerry Seinfeld rules of comedy: to never exploit an F-bomb in order to get an easy laugh. Working that much harder for the reward makes the laughs you get that much more gratifying anyway. And a wholesome joke provides a chance for people of all ages to laugh hard together. Because while parents may indulge their kids in a few “dirty” kids jokes now and then, ultimately, parents have to strike a balance between encouraging laughter and keeping potty-mouth in check.

That’s where these funny, clean jokes for kids come in. Consider these jokes Lysol-ed: Not a filthy thing about them. And just because they’re appropriate, doesn’t mean they won’t end in chuckles. These punchy back-and-forths are corny, sure, and they don’t skimp on puns, but they’re as hilarious as they are clean. A clever, clean joke will take you back to the days when you got a brain freeze from speed-eating your popsicle so you could read the joke of the day beneath the flavored ice. Study up and bust out these hilarious clean jokes whenever you need to see your kid smile. Just don’t wait too long, because they might not think your clean jokes are cool forever.

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Food Fits

  1. Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing.
  2. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
    It had great food, but no atmosphere.
  3. What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
    Nacho cheese!
  4. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
    There was nothing left but de Brie.
  5. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.
  6. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
  7. What is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?
    They say: Bologna?
    This isn’t bologna, but a serious question.
  8. Where do beef burgers go to dance?
    The meatball.
  9. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
    Because he always has a great fall.
  10. Why did bread break up with margarine?
    Because he found a butter lover.
  11. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
    He just flipped.
  12. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
    Because they tend to spill the beans.
  13. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
    Because it’s cultured.
  14. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
    A jam session.
  15. Why do comedians love eggs?
    They’re easy to crack up.

Animal Antics

  1. What do you call bears with no ears?
  2. What is the fleas favorite way to travel?
    Itch hiking.
  3. Which bird has the worst manners?
    Mocking birds.
  4. What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.
  5. I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
    I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  6. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
    Ten tickles.
  7. Two goldfish are in a tank.
    One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
  8. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    The don’t meet the koalafications.
  9. Why are fish so smart?
    Because they live in schools!
  10. What do you call a bear with no ears?
    A “B”!
  11. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
    Because they’re always stuffed.
  12. What language do pigs speak?
    Swine language.
  13. What mouse walks on two feet?
    They answer: Mickey Mouse
  14. What duck walks on two feet?
    They say: Donald Duck!
    No! All ducks, silly!
  15. Where do cows go on Friday nights?
    They go to the moo-vies!
  16. Why don’t ants ever get sick?
    Because they have little anty bodies.
  17. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.
  18. Where do polar bears keep their money?
    A snowbank.
  19. What did the fisherman say to the magician?
    Pick a cod, any cod.
  20. What do you call a pile of kittens?
    A meowntain.
  21. What did the beaver say to the tree?
    It’s been nice gnawing you.
  22. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
    Prime mates.

Laughter Is the Best Medicine

  1. What do dentists call X-rays?
    Tooth pics.
  2. What time do you go to the dentist?
    At tooth-hurty.
  3. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.
  4. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
    They’re usually 90 degrees.
  5. Why is no one friends with Dracula?
    Because he’s a pain in the neck.
  6. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
    Because he had a vowel movement.
  7. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.
    Then it hit me.
  8. Is this pool safe for diving?
    It deep ends.
  9. What did the nose say to the finger?
    Quit picking on me!
  10. Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
  11. Why can you never trust an atom’s story?
    Because it makes up everything.
  12. How do you determine the sex of a chromosome?
    Pull down its genes.
  13. Where does bad light end up?
    In prism.
  14. How much does a neutron pay for electricity?
    No charge.
  15. Why are electrons never invited to parties?
    They’re so negative.

Everyday Chuckles

  1. What did one wall say to the other wall?
    I’ll meet you at the corner.
  2. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
    When the punchline is apparent.
  3. What did the paper say to the pencil?
    Write on!
  4. How did the bullet lose its job?
    It got fired.
  5. Why should you never trust stairs?
    They are always up to something.
  6. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
    That’s just how I roll.
  7. Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?
    Because he wanted to see time fly.
  8. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
    Hi, bud!
  9. How does NASA organize a party?
    They planet.
  10. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
  11. Why were they called the Dark Ages?
    Because there were lots of knights.
  12. What did one toilet say to the other?
    You look flushed.
  13. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
    I told them, “Just you wait!”
  14. What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.
  15. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
  16. Why did the picture go to prison?
    Because it was framed!
  17. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
    I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  18. Want to hear a roof joke?
    The first one’s on the house.
  19. What building in New York has the most stories?
    The public library!
  20. Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?
    Because she will let it go.
  21. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow?
    Just follow the fresh prints.
  22. Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
    Mount Rushmore.
  23. Where to spaghetti and sauce go to dance?
    The meat ball.
  24. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
    Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
  25. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
    R2 detour.

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  3. Minecraft server announcement command
  4. Beaver county court administrator
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50 Funny Short Jokes That Guarantee a Laugh

Jokes come in all shapes and sizes, from the ones that require a lot of setup and a health attention span to the quick zingers that you can shoot off without thinking. The major plus of short jokes is that they're easy to repeat from off the top of your head, meaning that the 50 gags below are perfect for pulling out the next time you're hanging around with your friends, entertaining your kid, or trying to get a date. So keep reading for our 50 favorite short jokes—and no, we don't mean jokes about people who aren't tall!

Funny Short Jokes

"What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!"

  1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  2. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse!
  3. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1.
  4. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
  5. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I'm changing!
  6. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
  7. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper!
  8. Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food!
  9. What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!
  10. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
  11. What is sticky and brown? A stick!
  12. How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
  13. Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
  14. How do you throw a space party? You planet!
  15. Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.
  16. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  17. I hate Russian dolls… they're so full of themselves!
  18. Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
  19. Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out!
  20. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!
  21. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  22. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
  23. You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
  24. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
  25. You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

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The Best Short Jokes

"What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner's on me!"

  1. What are a shark's two most favorite words? Man overboard!
  2. If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
  3. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
  4. Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
  5. It's cleaning day so naturally, I've already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
  6. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
  7. Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
  8. Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
  9. What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner's on me!
  10. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
  11. I tried to sure the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
  12. Why doesn't the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
  13. I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  14. I have many jokes about rich kids—sadly none of them work.
  15. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell!
  16. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  17. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  18. How do trees get online? They just log on!
  19. Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it's the whole sentence.
  20. My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
  21. Where does the sheep get his hair cut? The baa baa shop!
  22. Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice!
  23. I never make mistakes. …I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
  24. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
  25. What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!

Short and Funny Jokes



Newest entry: The teacher growls at Little Johnny, “Is that bubble gum in your mouth?! In the trash can! Right now!”
Little Johnny, “The bubble gum too?”

Our most popular categories:

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Top 100 | Our Best and Funniest Jokes

  1. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

    *** More in the category "Hilarious"

  2. That bizarre moment when you pick up your car from the garage and you realize that the breaks are still not working, but they made your horn louder.

    *** See the category "Clean jokes"

    I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow.

    When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

    *** Check out our article "People who need a smile"

  4. Dentist: "You need a crown."
    Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."

    *** Do you like this one? Go to the category "Clean jokes"

  5. A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
    The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”

    *** Find more in the category "Jokes to tell"

  6. Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
    The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
    *** Discover our category "Senior Jokes"

  7. Doctor: You're obese.

    Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

    Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

    *** Check out "Black Humor"

  8. “Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”
    The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

    *** Explore the category "Corny Jokes"

  9. Famous last words

    *** Find similar ones in the category "One-Liners"

  10. What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?

    Kids don’t eat spinach.

    *** You should see our category "Dad"

  11. What makes fat male penguins such a hit with penguin females?
    They sure know how to break the ice.

    *** This kind of gems can be found among our "Puns"

  12. A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
    Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

    *** Perhaps you'd like to see more "Dark Humor"?

  13. When you put a bed in your bedroom – you have less bedroom.

    *** Fascinating: "Shower Thoughts"

  14. Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
    After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

    *** Have a look in "Black Humor"

  15. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

    We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

    ***   Maybe you take a peek at our section "For Seniors"

  16. A son asks his mother: Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
    Mother replies: “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”

  17. Two friends are talking:

    My doctor told me I must stop playing football.
    What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?
    Not really. But he did see me playing.

    *** "Clean" doesn't mean it's not funny! Find more in this section.

  18. “Siri, why am I still single?!”
    Siri activates front camera.

    *** Explore the category "Black Humor"

  19. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
    Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

    *** Perfect! More in our "Kids" category

  20. A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
    "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
    "I am not Master Ayumu."

    *** Find more like this one in "Black Humor"

  21. Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

    Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

    The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

    *** You might want our list of "Jokes to Tell"

  22. Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”

    Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

    The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

    ***   Are you married? You might enjoy the category "Marriage"!

  23. Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
    Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
    Patient: What condition?

    *** Have a look at the category "For Seniors"

  24. "OK, that's it, I'm leaving you! You're SO childish!"

    "Well, good luck with that - because the floor is lava!"

    *** Try out our category "Bad"

  25. How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
    The blind start reading your face.

    *** Delve into "Dark Humor"

  26. A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
    The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
    The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

    *** Check out the category "Marriage"

  27. Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”
    Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”
    Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my mom you won’t mind her moving in!”

    ***   Discover more great jokes in our "Marriage" category

  28. Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.
    I’ve lived in constant fear since.

    *** See more in our "Clean Jokes"

  29. I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.

    Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.

    *** Dig into the "Bad" category

  30. On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
    “Are you hurt?”
    “Not a scratch? How come?!“
    “I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

    *** You might like our "Anti-Humor" category

  31. Two donkey Pun

    *** Take a look at our "Kids" category

  32. Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
    Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

    *** There's more in the category "Double meaning"!

  33. Where do we get virgin wool from?
    Ugly sheep.

    *** More "Dad Jokes"?

  34. I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
    I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

    *** Go to "For Seniors" and laugh a bit more

  35. Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

    *** Check out the category "Good"

  36. 99,8% people have problems with math.
    I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

    *** Go to the "Bad" category and see if it's any good

  37. What is invisible and smells of worms?
    A bird’s fart.

    ***   We have the best "One-Liners"

  38. A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
    Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

    *** If you like this one, you might enjoy our "Anti" category

  39. It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
    A pair of birds.

    ***   Typical "Dad" - and there's more...

  40. Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

    "Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

    "Go away! I'm crapping!"

    *** Catch some good ones in "The List"

  41. I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Well, that's it for my last talent.

    *** Care to explore more "Funny Sayings"?

  42. Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
    Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

    *** Read stronger ones in "Dark Humor"

  43. Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at this electrician thing.

    *** Go through our "Puns"! You will love it.

  44. What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
    Just the Rottweiler.

    *** We have more in the category "Dry"

  45.   Bad Mother

    ***   Our "Kids" section is worth a visit

  46. A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

    The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

    ***   Browse through our "Double Meaning" category!

  47. My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

    OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

    *** Our "Smile" section might make you ...

  48. Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

    *** Read more "One-Liners"

  49. I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were little.

    *** We have a "Cute" section

  50. What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

    *** You know you laughed. Find more in our category "Puns"

  51.  Police: “Open the door!”
    Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
    Police: “What? We don’t have balls!”
    Man: “I know.”

    *** Not for everybody: check our "Corny" section

  52.  A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.

    “Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.

    “Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”

    *** "Black Humor" is not for the faint-hearted

  53. Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” 
    Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
    Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

    ***   Our list "For Seniors" is great, if a bit on the dark side. Check it out.

  54. “Will marry me?”
    2 hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.

    *** Find more in the "Marriage" section

  55. I called my math teacher at 3 o’clock in the morning. He wasn’t counting with that!“

    ***   Our "Double meaning" list might be perfect for you

  56. Bad Mother

    *** More "Funny Riddles"

    Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
    “No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

    *** See the category "Dad"

  58.  “Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
    “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
    “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

    *** Check out our category "Good"

  59. Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”
    “And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

    *** Find more in the "Hilarious" section

  60.   On a first date:

    Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other more often.”
    Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”
    Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”

    *** Don't go to our "Redneck" section. We dare you!

  61. Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
    Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

    *** You might want to visit the "Bad" list
  62. Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

    Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

    Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.

    *** You might enjoy more of our "Hilarious" ones

  63. A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken?"

    *** Puns are just great. Click if you agree!

  64. I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

    So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

    One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

    So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

    *** "Jokes to Tell"

  65. Gym

    *** Explore the "For Seniors" area

  66. The inventor of Auto Correct is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

    *** You might enjoy our "Geek" section.
  67. A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

    *** Discover more in the "Dry" category

  68. Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

    *** Find more in our "Kids" segment

  69. “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
    “Oh is she an alcoholic?”
    “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

    *** See more in our category "Marriage"

  70. Wife Hilarious

    *** Yes, we have them in our "Marriage" section

  71. Why is women’s soccer so rare?
    It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

    *** More "Good" ones?

  72. Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.
    Mother: "No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

    *** Our "Marriage" segment tells it like it is

  73.  I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.

    *** Let's see if we can make you "Smile"

  74. Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
    Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
    Doctor: “Every two hours.”

    ***   Explore our "Bad" list

  75. Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
    And more importantly, where is my hamster?

    *** More "Dark Humor"?

  76. Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “

    Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

    *** Click here, it will be "Hilarious"

  77. I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.

    *** You'll love our "Clean" ones

  78. So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

    *** Try our "Dad" category

  79. “You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

    “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

    “And smart, too!”

    *** Find more like this in the "Corny" section

  80. What do politicians and diapers have in common?
    Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

    *** There are more "Good" ones - right here

  81. Parrot

    *** Yes, we have a "Cute" section

  82. I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very sternly and said, "I want her home by midnight, young man!"
    I said, "What do you mean? You already own her home!"

    *** Are you a fan of "Double meanings"? Click here!

  83. Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
    To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
    "What is the problem?"
    "Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

    *** There's more bitterness to be found in the "Marriage" category.

  84. Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have children.

    So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

    *** Find similar gems in our "Bad" section

  85. How do you know the ocean greets you? -  It waves.

    *** Discover the best "Puns"!

    A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
    The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

    ***   Find your match in our "Marriage" department

  87. Yesterday I learned that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
    Peter (26), just lost his job at the local swimming pool.

    *** It's all about "Perspective", isn't it?

  88. Humorous Parrot

    *** Check out our "Anti" category

  89. French people struggling to say “Happiness” in public. (Try it with a thick French accent.)

    *** It may not be tasteful, but it's "Good"!

  90. Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
    Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

    *** You might like our "Dark" side...

  91. I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”…

    *** There are jokes so Dark, they're practically crispy

  92. Did you hear about the new movie constipation?
    It hasn’t come out yet.

    *** The whole family laughs with the "Dad" section. Even if they don't.

  93. My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.

    *** Yes, there's more in the "Marriage" category

  94. How do you rob a snowman?
    With a hairdryer.

    *** Click and check out the "Cute" department

  95. My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

    ***   Fun with "Double Meanings". Check it out!

  96. Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.

    *** More "Anti"? Only a click away!

  97. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

    *** Great "Funny Sayings"

  98. Why did the surgeon not like the movie?
    It was the uncut version.

    ***   Don't miss out our "Dad" section!

  99. What do you get when you crossbreed a dog and a white shark?
    Trouble with the postman.

    *** Find more jokes so Dry, they practically rustle

  100. I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.

    *** Don't stop here. Check out all our categories.

Bonus Jokes


Short jokes funny real

One hand, and covering my lips with hers, with the other hand taking my penis. I pressed her back to the nearest wall, lifted her ass, and gently laid her vagina on my penis. She slowly let him in with a groan. She was narrow again.

Laugh The Hardest - Hilarious Short Jokes 2020 - Great Short Jokes 2020 - Vignette #192

They pawed at me. Vadim gave me a strong slap. -Great experience.

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We masturbated for a long time and shared tips about intimate life. That night was a success. I'm 18, my name is Alexander. My aunt is 41, her husband left her two years ago with three children, the oldest is 19, the middle is.

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